I have no idea how many of you watch
Orange is the New Black on
Netflix, but I am hooked on it and have been waiting and waiting for the new season. Well, the wait is almost over and tomorrow all 13 episodes will be up and ready for some intensive binge watching. TheHub is going on a business/pleasure trip to NYC Wednesday which should give me several empty evenings to curl up with Crazy Eyes, Piper, Alex, Tayste, and the rest of the gang.
Son1 texted me yesterday with an idea. He knows I love to cook and I certainly do love a theme dinner so he suggested I come up with a theme meal for the beginning of the new season of Game of Thrones. I thought it was a great idea and then I remembered
OITNB airs first, so why not start with it and see if it is something I want to continue?
I started researching prison food (because yes, I am nerdy like that), which seems to be pretty much just slop that the kitchen can create on a one dollar per meal, per prisoner budget. I really don't want to begin with that kind of meal, but while I was researching it, I found several "recipes" for meals the inmates from various institutions create from items sold in the prison commissary. That sounded like a little more fun to me. (Probably no more appetizing but at least more fun).
I did have to run to the grocery store because I have very few things that are sold in the canteen in my personal food stash. I will also be perfectly honest and admit I used my appliances rather than dropping a rigged 'hot' power cord in a paper cup of water to make it boil. (If you are so inclined to play with water and electricity you can find directions
here) I also did not crush anything by stomping on it while wearing my flip flops, and had to guess the sizes of some of the items because I have never been in or bought anything from a prison commissary. I am assuming most items are sold in smaller packages since there is no refrigeration in the dorms and little storage area for personal items. I have no idea if inmates have some method of securing their purchased items or not. I am just guessing but I think theft might be an issue if there was not.
I learned that for the most part the people who are able to purchase items from the commissary need an outside source of money to fund their accounts since most prisoners earn just a few dollars a week, and canteen items carry a luxury price tag. The items they buy are not only for their personal use but can be used for trade. I guess prison is like outside life and everything has a price, but there currency is not king. Everyday useful items reign supreme.
From the things I researched it seems breakfast is the most acceptable cafeteria meal, because it includes 2 pieces of bread and a packet of jelly or syrup along with oatmeal, grits or some similar cereal option. It might not be the best meal but it seems far from the worst. Additionally any unused packaged option like creamer, or jelly is taken back to the cellblock and some of the inmates carry their bread slices back in their shirt pocket.
The first of my trial foods is what is known as a Cadillac. I have no idea why it is named that because I would call it a mocha. Evidently instant coffee is an important/must have item, first because it is coffee and coffee is essential for some of us, but it is also a tradable item( Second only to cigarettes). I used one spoonful of instant coffee, 1 pack of instant hot chocolate and stirred in a cup of hot water. This is one treat that could be made using hot tap water, since neither requires boiling water. I found it to be so/so. It was neither bad nor good and would have had a richer flavor if I had saved (as recommended) the packet of coffee creamer from my breakfast tray. I think instant coffee is pretty unpalatable by itself and this definitely made it drinkable, and after enough time it might even become an enjoyable beverage. Dunno, but I don't want to spend any time in the big house just to find out. I will give this a solid B
My lunch today was Pig Soup. I do at least understand the name this time, because it is based on pork ramen noodles.
1 pack pork ramen noodles
seasoning pack from the ramen
3 cups water
1 pack dehydrated vegetables (I had to punt here since I have no idea what veggies or how large the packs are. They only cost a dollar so I assume they are very small. I used one envelope of Lipton vegetable soup and dip mix. I poured it into a sifter and was left
chopped summer sausage
fried pork skins
Put the water in a boiler and bring to a boil. stir in the ramen seasonings then add the noodles and dehydrated vegetables. Cook until the veggies have rehydrated and the noodles are very soft. Add the chopped summer sausage and continue cooking until it is warm. Right before serving toss in some crumbled fried pork skins. The pork skins do become soggy rather quickly but taste kind of like bacon would if it were cooked in the soup. This was not bad, in fact Son3 has been my in house guinea pig today and he liked it perfectly fine also. It is a little salty for my taste but I am not a big salt fan, and to be honest if it had some fresh vegetables cooked in it, it would be a delicious soup. As is I will give this an A- but with some additional veggies I would upgrade it to a solid A.
Our third dish for the day was going to be our dinner meal. Was is the operative word here. I made the Pad Thai, mainly because we love Thai food, but after one taste each we changed the name to Bad Thai. It was so salty it was not edible for either of us.
1 package oriental ramen noodles
1/2 tablespoon peanut butter
1 teaspoon soy sauce
Hot sauce to taste
Cook the ramen according to the package directions and drain well. Stir in the peanut butter and soy sauce. Combine well, then add hot sauce and stir again. This had none of the delicious Thai flavor I love and instead was a heavy, salty dish. The peanut butter flavor was overpowering. Possibly if I had used crunchy instead of smooth it would have been a little nicer taste and texture. I think having the salty ramen , salty peanut butter, and the additional salty soy sauce was salt overload. Maybe if I had used tamari rather than soy sauce it might have made a difference. Maybe not, and I am not going to spend any time or effort trying to improve on it. So after one bite each this went down the garbage disposal, Son3 ran to Chick Fil A, and I grabbed some leftover chicken salad from the fridge.
On reflecting Son3 did mention that even though we found this terrible, someone facing eating unseasoned poor quality food might find this a delicious alternative, so I am changing my prior grade of F to a C-
That brings us to our last dish. This is supposed to be a cake that is made when someone's time is up to celebrate his/her release. It is not a cake at all, but it does look somewhat like one and would be something festive to have for a special occasion if you had limitations with what you could do.
1 package Oreo type cookies
2-3 tablespoons peanut butter
1/2 tablespoon mayonnaise
few drops of water if needed
1 individual serving size pack of peanut m&m's
Separate each cookie. Crush the tops of each cookie into very fine crumbs. This must take an inmate a long time because it took me forever and I was using a mortar and pestle. When you have very fine crumbs, stir in the mayonnaise. (Don't be grossed out by the mayo. It turns out that mayo is the oil for prison cooking and you don't taste it, I promise.) Mix well than press the mixture firmly into the bottom of a bowl making a cookie crust,
Scrape the filling from each cookie bottom into a bowl. Stir all the white stuff to make a smooth paste then add the peanut butter. Set aside.
Crush the remaining now plain cookies into fine crumbs. Add the filling/peanut butter mix to the crumbs and mix very well. Spread it on top of the crumb crust. Crush the peanut m&m's and sprinkle them evenly over the "cake'.
The taste of this was quite good. It tasted kind of like a Reese cup with cookie crumbs in it. My only issue was that the bottom layer fell completely apart. My advice to anyone in prison would be to add all the crumbs to the peanut butter mixture and just call it a mousse rather than a cake. I was not a fan visually of the crushed m&m's. I had rather have plain m&m's on top of it and forego the additional peanut flavor. It is strictly my esthetic though. The crushed ones still tasted pretty good. The picture to the right is a cross view of how it looks once cut, though cut is a misnomer. You actually have to spoon it out, but it is ok and still tasty even if it is messy. I will give it a B.
And now I am gong to share a few thoughts about what I learned today. Many states contract out their prisoner food and the average daily budget is 3.71 per person. Rather than prepare low sodium meals for those with medical needs, the food is largely unseasoned and bland so no changes are needed except for the occasional uber restricted diet.. People observing a Kosher or Halal diet have must fresher , much better tasting, and higher quality foods so a lot of non-religious prisoners pull the religion card to try and get them. Evidently here is an intense vetting process for approval, because those special religion based meals cost much more then the 3.71 daily average.
Besides the cost of the meals there is a more insidious reason for keeping the food quality poor. Many inmates refuse to eat the really bad meals and prefer to cook their own foods from items purchased at the commissary. The money generated from the commissary goes back into the prison budget, and is supposedly used to pad money for whatever is necessary for that particular institution. But now that so many are privatized does the money go to the prison or to the profit column? I have no idea but it is a question to ponder. I am paraphrasing a quote I read from a prison guard. When the food is not good the prisoner will not eat which creates a lot of hungry people in less than ideal conditions. When people are hungry they get angry and angry people in a confined space are powder kegs ready to ignite and is not safe for the inmates or the staff.
I have no solutions, but I do have a lot of respect for those ingenious enough to figure out how to survive.