The days with Mom and filling in the gaps her care givers are getting harder and harder and finally reached a breaking point for me. I understand her brain is scrambled and it is not the "real" Mom speaking, but Friday I had all I could take and declared I was not going to be back for the weekend. 2 days last week Mom's caregivers were no shows which means I had to go and stay with her during their shifts. It should not be a huge problem but I had to cancel 2 appointments (one I had made about 2 months ago so I am now about 2 more months out for that one.) I probably would have been Ok with all of it if Mom had not started beating me up for being a betrayer. She is still convinced her house is a facility my sister and I built to trick her. (Because we all know most daughters have that kind of disposal money laying around just to trick their Mom.) If she would just stop at my betrayal I might be Ok too, but she amped it up and now I am going to Hell and God is going to get me for lying to her and holding her prisoner. As soon as her care giver was there I left.
Friday night was the worst. I got home about the time TheHub came home from work. He suggested we go out to eat, but I was not dressed for dining so we went to The Pig, bought a couple of bottles of wine, then went to The Red Pearl for some take out. We shared an entree and a couple of glasses of wine, and were both sound asleep by 10:30. (I needed the sleep)
Saturday morning I woke early and had 2 cups of coffee. I had made arrangements with the weekend caregiver to be there earlier so I did not have to fill the gap. It was nothing short of therapeutic to be able to sit on the porch, drink coffee and not have to worry about Mom.
After a little light house straightening Son2, DIL2 and Shelby, the dog, came over. Son2 and TheHub went to the ball game (Roll Tide Roll) while DIL2 and I stayed here to watch the game and for her to do some necessary work related paper work. After the game we planned to go to a Turkish festival but she fell into a deep sleep on the couch. (Her job has become draining lately and she really needed to nap.)
Because the game was so early, TheHub and Son2 were home by mid afternoon. Son2 and Dil2 had a few things they wanted to do so TheHub and I went to the festival. It was a beautiful (hot) day with dancing, music, and of course food. Because we areold smart we chose a to-go food option. Yeah, that's right. Delicious food+ a/c = a fabulous dining experience! We came home, ate and watched the Georgia Notre Dame football game. We are one exciting couple!
I intended to document the festival with photos but it just did not happen. Instead I took one measly picture of a woman making bread on a griddle. I had actually been standing there watching her for a bit before I took it, so I am sharing the only documentation of my visit to the event. For the next few weekends our city is one festival after another
Sept 27 The Complete Works of Willian Shakespeare_Abridged (not a festival but we want to see it)
September 28 Fiesta Birmingham
September 28 Homestead Hollow
October 3-5 Greek Festival (The best of the best!)
October 6 Cahaba River Fry Down (catfish cook off)
October 12 Brazilian Day Festival
October 20 Breakin' Bread
November 2 Russian Food Festival
Looks like we might be busy for a bit.
And now I leave you with my single picture of our day Saturday. Because I do not know this woman or have permission to use her picture I edited it to just be the actual bread on the griddle. She was really cute but was super serious, concentrating on her task. Probably because there were tons of people there waiting to get food!
Hope you all had a really nice weekend!
.
Friday night was the worst. I got home about the time TheHub came home from work. He suggested we go out to eat, but I was not dressed for dining so we went to The Pig, bought a couple of bottles of wine, then went to The Red Pearl for some take out. We shared an entree and a couple of glasses of wine, and were both sound asleep by 10:30. (I needed the sleep)
Saturday morning I woke early and had 2 cups of coffee. I had made arrangements with the weekend caregiver to be there earlier so I did not have to fill the gap. It was nothing short of therapeutic to be able to sit on the porch, drink coffee and not have to worry about Mom.
After a little light house straightening Son2, DIL2 and Shelby, the dog, came over. Son2 and TheHub went to the ball game (Roll Tide Roll) while DIL2 and I stayed here to watch the game and for her to do some necessary work related paper work. After the game we planned to go to a Turkish festival but she fell into a deep sleep on the couch. (Her job has become draining lately and she really needed to nap.)
Because the game was so early, TheHub and Son2 were home by mid afternoon. Son2 and Dil2 had a few things they wanted to do so TheHub and I went to the festival. It was a beautiful (hot) day with dancing, music, and of course food. Because we are
I intended to document the festival with photos but it just did not happen. Instead I took one measly picture of a woman making bread on a griddle. I had actually been standing there watching her for a bit before I took it, so I am sharing the only documentation of my visit to the event. For the next few weekends our city is one festival after another
Sept 27 The Complete Works of Willian Shakespeare_Abridged (not a festival but we want to see it)
September 28 Fiesta Birmingham
September 28 Homestead Hollow
October 3-5 Greek Festival (The best of the best!)
October 6 Cahaba River Fry Down (catfish cook off)
October 12 Brazilian Day Festival
October 20 Breakin' Bread
November 2 Russian Food Festival
Looks like we might be busy for a bit.
And now I leave you with my single picture of our day Saturday. Because I do not know this woman or have permission to use her picture I edited it to just be the actual bread on the griddle. She was really cute but was super serious, concentrating on her task. Probably because there were tons of people there waiting to get food!
Hope you all had a really nice weekend!
.
Everyone needs a break - including you, smart to take one. What is up with caregivers just not showing up? Does no one have any work ethic anymore?
ReplyDeleteOne of them has two small children and when they are sick she can't take them to day care. I just wish I had known the evening before. I still would have missed the appointments but at least I would not have been dressed for them.
DeleteOh Anne I'm so sorry you're suffering through your mom's behaviour. And of course, even though you know it isn't really her talking it still hurts doesn't it. My dad (alzheimers) was ok with me and my brother but when my mom and my sister went to visit him in the home he was EVIL to them. Called my mom a whore, who was she seeing now, how much was she getting paid etc? Pretty much the same with my sister. And of course, my BIL was stealing all his money. So although they knew it wasn't him talking (he was a sweetheart in normal life) it still hurt them! I hope you got an break this weekend.
ReplyDeleteI got a break on Saturday, mostly though she still called and wanted me to get her out of that place. Sunday, well the break is definitely over.
DeleteI am glad you made time for yourself. It is a necessity in your circumstance. Sending good thoughts from across the ocean and then some. So, how did you like my country's food? The bread is called "gozleme" and they are usually stuffed with cheese, spinach, eggplant, potatoes or chopped meat. I like the spinach kind best. I have tried making them myself but, I am not good with rolling the dough so thin.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness the food was delicious and there was a very large crowd too!
DeleteMy dad said awful things to my mom when he never had previously. It's just part of the disease, but his got better when the doctor took him off of his meds, especially the ones for Alzheimer's.
ReplyDeleteHow to care for family members is a personal decision and one that changes as circumstances change. I fought long and hard to keep my mother at home after her being there with 24 hour care, but when she went to the nursing home that was the best thing for her and us. In retrospect, my fight was more about me than about what was right for her. My suggestion is, if you haven't already, visit facilities around the area that might be a good fit for your mother. Then when or if the time comes that having your mother cared for away from home is the best thing, you will already have information in place.
Good luck. You are doing a very difficult thing and shows the love of a daughter. Your mother raised you well.
I am not sure what we are going to do. We have visited several facilities and will have to make a decision. Right now she would benefit from some extended rehab, since she has trouble getting out of bed or doing any self care at all
DeleteGood advice from Live and Learn. I wanted my dad to be someplace where he could be around other people, but the rest of the family wanted him home. People rarely visited him so he had no mental stimulation. With the holidays coming, it might be a good idea to be in a place where there are other people and activities for her to focus on.
DeleteMom is still adamant about being at home, even though she is still in her house and doesn't know it.
DeleteMy mom's doctor recommenced being around other people (hence the move to assisted living) so that she gets more mental stimulation than she has been getting.
DeleteI'm sorry you are having such a tough time with your mom. Are the caregivers from a service? If so, seems like they should have to find/supply someone to cover for the no shows. I can imagine how frustrated you must be getting. My MIL got really mean with her dementia two different times and it turned out she had bladder infections.
ReplyDeleteWe hired the caregivers privately. Her main daytime care giver has small children and when they are sick they can't go to day care. Her overnight care giver called me from Atlanta at 8:30 before she was supposed to be there at 9:00. Still steaming about that one.
DeleteBig hugs to you. It sounds so very challenging, and I think you are doing an incredible, amazing job being there for your mom, despite her illness & how it's making you feel right now. Put in what you can, but don't be afraid to ask for help or schedule time out to take care of yourself. Being a caregiving is an exhausting, thankless task, and only you can help prioritize your own needs.
ReplyDeleteI fill in all the blank spots. We have almost 24 hour care (except for the 2 and 3 hour gap each day) for her safety but she still demands we are there a lot of the time
DeleteI am so very, very glad you got a break. Necessary if you are not to break into a zillion tiny pieces. I would have been fascinated by the bread making too (and probably drooling).
ReplyDeleteI hope you get to LOTS of the festivities on offer.
I hope we do too!
DeleteWhew! Mom sounds exhausting! As a former nursing home nurse, I do know there are some good medications out there that can settle mom down a bit more. I don't know how often she sees her doctor now, but you need to find one who specializes in dementia patients. It makes me so sad for you, because you are right, it really isn't your mom trying to be mean. Dementia is so hard for the care givers!! I'm glad you were able to get out and have some fun this weekend. Do it every chance you get!!
ReplyDeleteI keep reminding myself it is not Mom it is whomever is living in her head right now. My heart breaks for her and at the same time I want to pull my hair out.
DeleteSelf care is very important when you are a care giver. I'm glad you were able to take some time out for yourself. Is there anyone else, besides your sister, who might be able to be with your Mom when the care givers are unable to come or you have appointments of your own?
ReplyDeleteMy sister really can't fill in during the weird no care times since she is at work. So it pretty much falls on me. Most of the time it is fine, but those times that are difficult can be truly horrid.
DeleteMy sweet grandmother whom I loved so much and loved me, turned nasty and accusative. I was a child and still remember the hurt. So, I feel for you. There is no reasoning with her. I don't know the answer. She does not know where she is, so how could a nursing home be any worse? Yes, I know you would know. Your husband must be a saint. Have a load of fun.
ReplyDeleteTheHub is not a saint, but he is a truly good guy who makes me laugh and goes wine shopping with me at the end of a horrible time /day.
DeleteOh Anne, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with such verbal abuse from your Mom. My heart goes out to you. I'm glad you were able to escape once the other caregiver arrived.
ReplyDeleteI know she does not mean to be cruel and I know it is the disease speaking, but it is more difficult some days than it is other days.
DeleteThis is such a hard time for you. I so wish I was there to help. I can just feel your desperation.
ReplyDeleteUgh. This is such a hard situation you're in. Even though you know it's not your "real" mom speaking, this hurts. So sorry you have to endure this. :-(
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you let yourself have a break-it is a requirement of caregivers so you do not let your own health fall to pieces. I'm sorry the caregivers were no shows and glad you got some time with your son and daughter in law.
ReplyDeleteI am so pleased you got to have a break. Caring is draining but losing the Mom you know and having her replaced by this unkind version while she is still around is surely devastating.
ReplyDeleteI see you have disabled comments for your "Fall" post so let me just say here, I hope you enjoy the change of season.
Thank God my mother died before she completely lost her mind. I'm so sorry for you. It was hard enough to work with people who have dementia in a nursing home, where we had our colleagues to assist us.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
Beautiful
ReplyDelete