After a very difficult and emotionally trying day with Mom* I came home and was sitting at the breakfast room table scarfing down eating a bowl of ice cream. I was talking on the phone to my best friend when I heard the front door open, so I hung up the phone and found TheHub had come home early because the day had been so hard on my sister and me. He sat with me while declaring keto be damned for the day when I noticed I had missed a call from my cousin.
I returned her call but was so tired I could not even hold a stinking cell phone to my ear so I put her on speaker phone. Until TheHub sneezed I did not even mention we were on speaker, but as soon as he did I told her. (It didn't matter since we were only talking about Mom and her health anyway, so no trust violations occurred)
She said hey to him but he said "Please excuse my sneezes. This is Armando, the yard man, and working in the yard makes me sneeze. I am here now and J, I mean Jośe is gone."
I cannot tell you how great it felt to laugh at that moment. And to TheHub, thank you for knowing me well enough to understand laughing is my primary coping mechanism and providing some immediate comic relief when all I wanted was chocolate and to cry.
* Very early yesterday morning I went to Mom's house to relieve the overnight sitter. She woke and I got her out of bed and walked her (with the aid of her walker) into her den and sat in her chair. She had her eyes half opened and half closed and was breathing very shallow breaths with her mouth gaping open. I asked her what I could do for her, she pulled my face close to hers and said "Please let me go" She proceeded to tell me she had talked with her dad, sister and my dad and they had all told her they were waiting on her. She also said she talked with her mother (Grandmother to all of us) who said "You just do what you have to do", which also sounds exactly like my grandmother. (She was a 4'11" little spark plug filled with siss and vinegar)
I called my sister and told her to hurry, told Mom she was on her way and so we needed to wait on her. Mom said "She better hurry". She got there and we sat on either side of her holding her hands while we played her favorite music and watched her breathing get shallower and shallower, her eyes half closed but completely vacant and her mouth agape because of her slack jaw.
About that time the song "With a Little Bit of Luck" from My Fair Lady started playing and somehow the feet of this person who appeared to be between 2 worlds started keeping time with the music. All of a sudden she bolted upright in her chair and declared she had to use to bathroom. I guess Broadway show tunes and bodily functions had the power to keep her from making the transition she was seeking earlier.
I called my sister and told her to hurry, told Mom she was on her way and so we needed to wait on her. Mom said "She better hurry". She got there and we sat on either side of her holding her hands while we played her favorite music and watched her breathing get shallower and shallower, her eyes half closed but completely vacant and her mouth agape because of her slack jaw.
About that time the song "With a Little Bit of Luck" from My Fair Lady started playing and somehow the feet of this person who appeared to be between 2 worlds started keeping time with the music. All of a sudden she bolted upright in her chair and declared she had to use to bathroom. I guess Broadway show tunes and bodily functions had the power to keep her from making the transition she was seeking earlier.
I spent the night with her last night and she talked continually from about 9 until 12:30, stopping only for a quick breath between words and of course milk and cookies (because her world requires milk and cookies every night before bed)
If you had told me at 10 a.m. yesterday, I would be writing like this today, I would have sworn you were a cruel and lying POS. Life (and death) is interesting and unpredictable, isn't it?
One night when I was staying overnight with Mom TheHub brought a few of these cookies to me. (not a few tins, just a few cookies) Best. Therapy. Ever.
Wow, sounds like she has made up her mind. My MIL says she wants to die every time we see her - even though she has no idea who we are (at least when she is talking she says that, sometimes there is zero talking). Well, if you want milk and cookies every night at that age - let there be milk and cookies. With my grandma it was a shot of whisky (she really wasn't a drinker but heard a glass of whisky a day was good for her at 60 and kept it up until 83 when she passed lol) Again, I hope for some rest for you - and more hugs
ReplyDeleteI am stunned, today three of my cousins went to see her after I left her with her daytime caregiver. They said she was great, totally lucid and even flipped one of them off after being told she had to use her walker (which is totally like my mom when she is herself)
DeleteWeird weird weird. Hopefully it was just an "episode"
DeleteOh Anne, I just feel for you right now. Remember sometimes the spirit holds on if you are in the room. She is having a hard time letting go, but she will. I wish I was there to help you and yes having a sense of humor helps. Hugs my friend this will be soon.
ReplyDeleteI know we are in the final countdown, and I know she wants to move on yet she wants to stay. We have had some tender moments and some not so tender ones.
Delete(((((Anne))))) Bless your heart. Life is unpredictable. Hugs and prayers to you.
ReplyDeleteNo joke life is unpredictable!
DeleteIt must be very tiring for you mentally. Sending good vibes to you and your sister. I just took my mom for an appendix removal. The first night I did not sleep at all. The next day was sleepless too. After I have found out that she was OK and I could get some rest, by 10:00 p.m. I was on the TV chair by the foot of her hospital bed and sunk into a comatose sleep. She needed help at night but could not wake me up (so embarassed!), so another patient's family member helped her. I cannot believe how tired I got. And it is just a simple, stupid appendectomy. It was more mental than physical.
ReplyDeleteI am OK without sleep for about 36 hours and then I start to crumble. Last night I stayed with her because the morning was so difficult and I just wanted to keep my eyes on her. My sister had the brilliant thought to move a recliner into Mom's room so I did have somewhere soft to sit and I was able to doze off at about 4 am for a couple of hours, but every time she would sigh or breathe deeply I would wake for a minute.
DeleteLaughter (sometimes from black humour) has freqently kept me afloat when nothing else has. When kindness makes me weep. Chocolate helps too.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and your sister with bucketloads of empathy - and sending oceans of caring your way.
Thank you so much EC. I have been told I have a very dark sense of humor, but laughing is truly how I cope with just about everything. I am thrilled beyond belief to have my sister go through this and laugh at the absurdities with me.
DeleteIt sounds like she is not distressed if she is being contacted by her loved ones. That is reassuring at least. I'm actually glad you are having this time to be with her as you get the chance to say many things to each other which might not otherwise. It's pretty great that a Broadway musical made her "come back" though isn't it. Sending you and your family big hugs at this difficult time!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. We have said my dad went out swinging, but Mom is going out in a cat fight! She has enjoyed talking with Dad and Aunt Ann.
DeleteTonight she was leading the band while listening to marshall music.
She is definitely giving you all a run for your money. I hope her passing is as she would have it and on her terms. My mom called out to each of her parents and siblings the morning before she passed. As the previous comment says, she's obviously at a place of acceptance.
ReplyDeleteKeep on laughing - it is definitely a healthy to cope with stress!
I do hope she exits on her terms too. Which would be in a monochromatic outfit , with lipstick on and her hair combed.
DeleteDefinitely unpredictable. At the nursing home, we had a gentleman who had lung cancer. He did well for quite a while. Then his health deteriorated. He stayed with us, but hospice took over during the day. A hospice nurse had us move him into an unoccupied isolation room so he could have a quiet and peaceful spot. She said he would probably pass later that day. He lived for several weeks. Then one night when he was ready to go, he told me to call his son. After his son arrived, he lost consciousness or might have been on heavy duty painkillers. He died later THAT day, not the day that the hospice nurse said he would die. God bless "Armando."
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
The human spirit is a crazy life extender!
DeleteAnd yes I was very happy for the big laugh, plus the take out dinner he brought to us at Mom's house so we could all eat together. Mom was thrilled we had a "party" at her house and told us someone had called and wanted to come but she told him/her (mystery caller on a silent, invisible phone) they couldn't come because they cause trouble every where they go. Amazingly Mom was part of the party even though she never left her bed.
I'm glad you are documenting this! Hopefully it's a little therapeutic now and in the future will be a memory jogger for some bitter-sweet memories.
ReplyDeleteKeep laughing, a dark humour has got me through many tough times and one stays more functional than when crying.
I'm praying for you all.
Thanks Kylie. My sister and I are laughing instead of crying!
Delete(((HUGS))) Anne. I'm glad you have "Armando", your sister, and laughter to sustain you during this time. Ice cream is helpful, too. :)
ReplyDeleteTheHub (I mean Armando) brought me 3 half moon cookies (a local treat. I will add a picture of them to the bottom of this post) with a lovely message "keto be damned". Laughs and chocolate are my link to sanity right now!
DeleteYour mom is definitely doing this on her terms. I think she "revived" just to show you and your sister, that she was in control. This is an incredibly hard time but there is solace in knowing that she is ready. When my sister-in-law was breaths away from dying she revived and lived another couple of months. Hospice said this is common-a rebound before passing. But who really knows what goes on in the brain. Just remember to take care of yourself and keep laughing.
ReplyDeleteI intend too, but I did tell TheHub I have to go back to keto before the chocolate monster claims hold of me.
DeleteSending you good thoughts amidst all of the challenges. It's lovely that your husband knows you well enough to be the support you need at just the right time. Hoping that your mom finds the peace she is looking for. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you so very much. Don't let TheHub know I really do appreciate him and his support. I don;'t want him to get all full of himself and think he has things figured out after all these years!
DeleteWow. What you're experiencing is SO hard. Sorry you have to endure this.
ReplyDeleteThis is just a part of life. Mom has always been interesting so there is no reason for us to expect anything otherwise!
Delete