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Tuesday, May 12, 2020

Tears and Joys for Week 19 of 2020

The nineteenth week of the year began with extreme shock and sadness. It is my intent to look backward at the year's end and read about the joy I experience every single day.  I  am still looking for it, but for the most part the days this past week were not  happy. Even so , I still found small joys each day.

Wednesday: My joy for the day was through tears. Mom was in bad shape, and we knew the end was near, but we certainly did not expect to be called twice in 30 minutes. Once to say she was going to be released in a few minutes and another to tell us she was gone. My joy is that she was reunited with Dad, who was her love, her rock, and her other half. My hope is that they are dancing again.

Thursday: I woke at 5 and immediately started going over the "should haves" I should have checked Mom out of the hospital a day early, just to see her, hug her and tell her I loved her again. The guilt of having her in the hospital and being unable to see her was overwhelming and I spent about 5 hours crying for her life ending without us by her side. I would never have chosen that for her.
Later my sister and I met at Mom's to clean her refrigerator and to write her obituary. While we were there one of her neighbors saw our cars and stopped in. We enjoyed talking, reminiscing and laughing with Cathy. Her visit was a true and much needed gift.

Friday: My sons always keep in touch with each other, but with Mom's death they are talking even more. Friday night DIL3 organized a Zoom painting party. Everyone got their favorite paints, canvas (or in my case copier paper) and had to paint a picture using one of five word prompts. For my prompt I chose "formal" and painted a picture of a dream my sister had the night prior to Mom's transition.  It was very cathartic. Additionally it was wonderful to see and hear them all painting and talking, then sharing their art. Pip won the prize for the most painting done in the hour. I think she finished 6 or 7.

Saturday: My sister, Son2 and I went to Mom's and cleaned out her pantry, then we walked through the house and shared stories about some of the particular items in it. We are going to have a lot of work to do to clean it out. I did bring one particular item I wanted home with me. When we were kids "The Wizard of Oz" came on only once a year. Every WOO night my dad made fudge and he always poured it on a platter that we called the fudge plate. It is now in my kitchen and some day I will watch it with Pip, make her some fudge, and tell her about her great grandfather making it for me when I was her age.

Sunday: We had streaming church services, followed by a Webex Sunday school class, then we went to the lake to do a bit of cleaning and yard work. The cleaning and yard work were not joyous but it needed to be done. I avoided everything Mother's Day related like the plague (or Covid)

Monday: It was a beautiful coolish day. I felt like doing nothing but eventually made myself go dig in the dirt (translation:pull weeds) and it did make me feel better.

Tuesday: I spent about 6 hours at Mom's house first going through all the shelves and drawers in her sewing room. Goodness she had a lot of stuff. And now one room is almost ready, though I did not get to the closet yet. I had tow big joys while working there. I found some pictures that had been misplaced since Dad's funeral nearly 5 years ago. I also sorted through her button box (she had thousands) and found 2 sets of buttons I have always loved. One set was on a dress she wore as a young girl. The other was from a blouse she wore when I was a very young kid. If my sister does not want them I will make something and use them.

35 comments:

  1. This last week was not a good time for you to find joy, but I understand the small joys like finding the buttons. The painting party sounds like fun.

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  2. I am so very glad that your intense pain was leavened with some joy.

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    1. Because we are doing none of the traditional end of life things, this feels surreal at times.

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  3. Great psot,thanks for sharing!
    beautyqueen000.blogspot.rs

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  4. I think it is wonderful that you are still able to find some small joy during this time of sadness, Anne. My mother, too, died alone (but, in the house) and I think that is how she wanted it, because my not being there made it easier for her to go. (((HUGS)))

    On a happier note, my daughter wanted me to tell you that she is in love! LOL! She made your chocolate goo recipe, this evening and she is in love with it! She is already planning to make more with different flavors! She found a whole cup of sugar to be too sweet, so, she wants to lessen the sugar and maybe add some coffee to the chocolate and she wants to make one with macha powder! I shall let you know how those experiments turn out!

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    1. I am so glad she enjoyed the chocolate good. I thought it was a little oversewed also. Please let me know how the different flavors work out.

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  5. Those "things" left behind will bring back lots of joyful memories that will become sweeter with time. Take care.

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    1. I know they will. I came home and found my favorite picture of Mom.She was happy and full of life and just looking at it made me much happier.

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  6. It's normal and natural to go through the "What if's" and "Should haves" but I believe that your mom transitioned exactly how she wanted. She was too strong willed to have done it any other way.

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  7. I'm so sorry to hear about your mother! My condolences -- having recently lost my father, I know the pain you're feeling. Take care.

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  8. You know that you went above and beyond for your mom. Taking her home might not have been a good idea and she is with your dad, can't ask for more.

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  9. Getting to bring the fudge plate home would mean the world to me. Glad you're going to give it a new life as those sentimental treasures are worth so much aren't they!

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    1. Its kind of funny. Mom has some spectacular things and the only thing I really want/wanted is an old antique coal hod and the fudge plate.

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  10. Glad there were joys in your week. I love the fudge story. I have just seen that you can rent wizard of oz on youtube...should you ever get the feeling, just make sure to have the fixings for fudge on hand. Hugs

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  11. The Wizard of Oz and fudge. What a great combination! Yes, and the movie was only shown once a year. We didn't have color TV, but my best friend who lived next door did. I would go to his house in my PJs to watch it, then go back home and get right into bed. Those flying monkeys always scared the heck out of me, but the part where it goes from black and white into color was always so magical. Great childhood memories! So glad you got the fudge plate. (((hugs)))

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    1. The flying monkeys terrified me, but so did the lady on her bicycle. We did not have a color tv then either, so we watched it in black and white. When I was a little older and we got a color set (in a walnut console no less) I finally saw the change and was enthralled. We had to have our baths and be in our pj's before it started, and went to bed with a fudge drool down the front of our pajama shirts until Mom wised up and would not let us eat any after the monkeys first appeared.

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  12. In what must have been a difficult week, it is wonderful you were able to find joy in each day. Memories are such a wonderful thing - things that happened so long ago are fresh when an item brings them back.

    Take care and stay well!

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    1. I know each day will get better and I know Mom loved us and knew we loved her.

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  13. I don't know if this will make you feel better, but I do believe that the spirit will often not leave the body if a loved one is present. If given a choice your mother's spirit would have struggled to stay if she had seen both of you. That link between you is so strong. The spirit world pulls, but the spirit stays with its loved ones on earth if they are present. Often when a child is passing and the struggle goes on too long, nurses will ask the parents to take a walk and the child will finally let go, this is traumatizing for the parents, but also relieves the child's suffering. Your mothers choice was to go and join your father who I am sure came for her, this was her choice, return to her home and her girls or go with her loved ones beyond. As difficult as this is for you know that she is happy. I have been with several elderly people in my family when they have passed and I have seen the recognition in their eyes when the loved ones come to get them, I have seen the joy and it is an amazing experience. Okay now I am crying for you again....

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    1. OK this made me cry, but they were happier tears than the past week's tears.

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  14. I'm glad you could find joys even with the tears. It sounds like your sons knew what you might need and made the zoom party happen.

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    1. They are really a bunch of good guys with equally good/better spouses. I am very lucky!

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  15. Anne... I can only send virtual hugs. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I think, it is great for you to look for joys however small or bittersweet they may be. It sounds like you have a very tight family. I am so glad about that. I think it is priceless.

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    1. Thank you for the virtual hugs. I hope and pray things are going better for you and your mom.

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  16. I am so, so sorry for the loss of your mother. My prayers are with you. Remember I just lost my dad four months ago, so I know what you’re going through. Please take comfort in that she is no longer suffering.

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    1. I know you went through this just recently. We knew Mom was not going to be with us much longer. We were just shocked at the way things ended.

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  17. I love that you can find small joys at such a hard time and Im sure Pip will have fond memories of the fudge plate, it mght inspire her to do something special with her own grandchild and isn't that what we all want?

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    1. I hope that one day she will remember the fudge plate and want it for her own!

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